It was late and I was bored, so last night I decided to sign up to Match.com to see if I could find my future best friend and one man to treat me right. Turns out Match.com is raaaaather expensive, so this afternoon, whilst looking at alternatives, I happened upon Zoosk.
Zoosk didn’t exist last time I dated (6 years ago). Back then it was all about Plenty of Fish, which seems to be “free shag dot com”, but as Zoosk links to your Facebook profile, I thought it might be an easier way to examine what’s out there in that there dating pond.
The problem is that I live in Lincolnshire. It’s a sleepy, rural country, 3 if not 4 decades behind the times, and that makes for a very MURKY pond. It’s not a county blessed with intelligence or good genes, in fact, there’s a distinct possibility of inbreeding, and well, a quick sort through what’s on offer made me shudder …..
Are you ready?
- Mr Cross-Eyed
- Mr “LonerWithABoner” – I kid you not
- Mr “my age says 60 but my photo is 23 years old”
- Mr “yes I AM licking my bike”
- Mr “I look like an escapee from ISIS”
- Mr “I only have a few hairs so I have decided to make them into a FRINGE”
- Mr “look at my finger … go on, you know what it can do”
- Mr “yes my mum did take my photo, thanks”
- Mr “I’ve kidnapped this boy to make it look like I have a son and am therefore not as scary as my features suggest”
- Mr “yes, it’s actually a blessing this photo is so dark and obscures my features”
- Mr “yes I do still have all my teeth and boy I’m gonna show them”
- Mr “I forgot there was a naked calendar behind me …. oops”
- Mr “Trust me, it’s a good thing this photo’s blurry”
There is some scary shit out there …. maybe that’s why Match.com charges so much, you know, to eliminate the plankton. Dear God this is going to be a painful ride.