Hi ladies. So let’s go down the dating site rabbit hole, shall we?
I’m going to start today with the one that thinks it’s nice and a cut above the others, but has the potential to have a naughty kick. This one is supposed to be “for the normal people” – unfortunately, for my age group, normal looks like Norman Bates.
I’m now mid 40s. A lot of men I’ve fancied over the years have hit their prime in that age group – George Clooney, Pierce Brosnan, Josh Holloway, Antonio Banderas – but in Lincolnshire it seems the equivalent is to shave your head like Grant Mitchell and look like a serial killer on his day off.
A lovely ticker tape of “potential” greets me whenever I sign in, and not to sound evil or judgmental or just a plain old bitch, but seriously, some of these photos are SCARY. Most are taken in a car. Some men clearly have a manual job – but please let’s keep the oil and dirt off our profile photo, yes? – whilst others think larking around like a teenage twat will win them a thumbs up from a 40yr old woman.
Mostly though, it’s the bald headed serial killer I can’t escape. Not so much staring in to the camera as trying to melt it with his cross-eyes. The look is hatred rather than come-hither, and …. well, a little scary to be honest. Would a smile be too much to ask for? Apparently so. Ergo, don’t go expecting anything more if something so basic can’t be delivered (goodbye kissing, conversation, hugging …)
Still, there’s nothing else like the PING! of a new message to give you a super little bolt of adrenaline, and even though you know there is NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER that the message could be from someone suitable, you open it excitedly. And find it’s from Grant Mitchell, a warehouse operative, from Newcastle.
Now, forgive me if I’m going to sound mean here, because that’s not my style but ….
- mental connection is massively important to me. I am a straight A student who needs mental stimulation. I know this is not going to come from a warehouse operative (and I have tried before with blue-collar workers) – so why don’t you?
- why the fuck are you emailing me from Newcastle when I live in Lincoln? why? Forgive me if I’m wrong, but 154 miles for a first date is taking the piss, no?
Yet still they PING! from Plymouth (298 miles), Belfast (349 miles AND an ocean!), London (143 miles). I’m going to be honest, anything over half an hour away is just not gonna happen as far as I’m concerned, so why are men so willing to PING! any woman, regardless of location? Is the pool shallower than I thought?
40ish is a tricky age it seems. Twentysomethings seem to have a MILF-complex, and 60 yr olds think they’re still hot stuff. In between, the only thing getting hot is my delete button. Ergo ….
Latest message received today from “Jim” who is at least in the same county as me and the same age (ish). His message reads “casual fun”. This is clearly an answer, but not to any question I have asked. Or is it a question without a question mark, in which case the answer is clearly no because –
- you look like Grant Mitchell
- you’re not smiling
- you look toothless – is there such a thing as a toothless serial killer?
- you have no profession
- and you couldn’t even be bothered to fill in your profile, typing “a’nc’bv;avb;fkbv;akvjb” in every answer, and yet you’ve described yourself as “somewhat ambitious”. Lol. Irony. Mouth, zipped.
And there’s the other thing that winds me up – people who can’t be arsed to fill out the profile. It’s a bloody dating site, that’s how it works!! “agn;bnebvn;bvne” or “prefer not to say” or “will fill in later”. NO NO NO NO NO NO. How am I supposed to make snap judgements about you if you don’t play the game ???
Anyway, back to the PING! of possible potential …..
- Paul, 43 – only in the land where 43 is the new 63
- Nigel, 53, a tattooed homemaker
- Paddy, the 42 yr old 5ft4 forklift driver from Broughton – 137 miles away. Overflowing with win
- a black guy who looks like a gangster, who lives in “some city” – helpful, thanks
- the “witty ones” who put “I have one” in the profession box
- the guy who likes “museams” and “festavils”. Maybe he’s dyslexic, in which case shame on me, but I am a grammar nut. Hence a message of “Iam a god kisser and a love cuddles iam more of a touchy feely type of guy me hand wonder every where” just doesn’t tickle my boxes
- the 32 yr old from Stoke on Trent who thought saying I looked young would erase the 92 miles between us
- and let’s not forget all the ones without a face pic who stop replying to you as soon as you ask for one. My god, there’s WORSE???
And let’s not forget, I’m mocking these people, so that certainly doesn’t put me on top of any Wonderful list. Deep down, we’re all looking for a similar thing. Maybe it’s great that these people are prepared to search far and wide for it, rather than within a comfortable distance of their sofa, or maybe, just maybe, it’s a sign of how unerudite (is that a word?) we’re becoming; how we’ve lost the art of wooing (mostly, there are a couple of winners to tell you about), the ability to communicate in meaningful sentences and paragraphs, and at a point in our evolution where everything is available NOW. We’ve raised a generation who exist on minimal effort. Tragically they’ve taught us to do the same.
Next time …. greetings from the naughty website ….