Hi ladies. One of the things about this blog is that it will be random and out of order, and I won’t necessarily write about things in the order they happened, more in the order they resonate with me.
Today’s post though is purely about today. Today is one of the those days where you just wish there was someone to share your life with. Someone to snuggle up to in bed while you watch films, someone to annoy while you’re trying to tidy the house, someone to just HUG. As Annie Lennox so perfectly said, “I just want someone to hold”.
My doldrums usually come at the weekends. I don’t do well at weekends, Sundays specifically. All that expanse of time with too many choices on how to fill it, but not enough of the right choices (actually I would like to do my food shoppping at 8pm), and eventually I circle back to – I’m lonely.
Most of the time I am more than happy doing my own thing, but when I want to be lazy, it seems I want to be lazy with someone. I miss waking up in someone’s arms. I miss being spooned as if he’s trying to absorb you into this body. I miss intimacy without the promise / threat of sex. I miss.
And when the days are a little blacker than most, it doesn’t take much for “I miss” to become “I’m repellent.” Half a million guys on a shitty webiste, and I can’t find a single one to connect with?
Although that’s actually not true. Certain men do want to connect with me, but they’re not the guys I want. I don’t want old, uneducated, dirty, hi-vis wearing, “what’s a book” opposites. I want my tall, educated, witty, intelligent sparring partner. The man who can challenge me yet handle me, stimulate me and hug me, all whilst being the world’s best kisser. But he doesn’t coming knocking – or PING!ing – and this is where my black thoughts begin.
What if I am only capable of attracting the swamp donkeys because no decent guy sees me as a decent catch?
Yup, that’s where I spend a lot of my Sundays, carving myself up for my own displeasure. Are there many “businessmen” or “managers” on these sites? No. But maybe if they are, they are all after the size 8 swimsuit model. What’s the chance that one of them will want an over the hill, overly rounded, over-thinker?
Maybe this is why I only get messages from swamp donkeys – maybe I AM a swamp donkey and I am doomed to a life of bad relationships (let’s face it, doing pretty well on that score so far). And yet I hope. And every time I get a PING! from a guy I consider unsuitable, it’s as if a little piece of me dies. Every time someone I consider myself better than proves themselves the only person who wants to talk to me, it’s like someone skinning my soul.
And this is where dating is tough. You know what you want. You know what you don’t want. You are VERY aware of mistakes you have made in the past. This is where you have to stay strong and not settle. This is where you have to remember your self-worth (hard when that’s been a lifelong issue) and remind yourself that you DO deserve more than a swamp donkey, and if “they” can’t see that, then shame on them.
Except that’s no so easy to say when all you want is a hug, to feel close to someone, and to be a little less alone in this world.